“I dream of a love whose depth far exceeds the depths of the unexplored ocean.”
I sat down on the bridge overlooking the ocean. The sun shone bright, its rays spread across the surface having it appear as if sprinkled by glitter. The water lay still unbothered by any interference. Not a single ripple tore through the liquid which mirrored the sky. The view established a calm within me, one that had not been there mere seconds ago. I inhaled the scent of late summer evening and let its air fill my lungs with the hope of eternal tranquillity. The sensation however did not last long.
Before I had managed to relax completely, I felt a presence behind me. I needn’t guess, I knew exactly who it belonged to. His shadow covered me like a cool blanket shielding me from the burning sun and pulled me back to the darkness from which I had escaped. Out of breath, he lowered to his knees and inched closer. I felt the desperation in him. Heard the thuds resonating from his chest as if his heart searched for a way out. His heavy breaths hit my tinsels as he struggled to still himself. I dreaded the words which soon would leave his mouth.
“You ran away” he exhaled. It’s true, I ran and by doing so I thought I had escaped the certain interrogation.
“Please, this is killing me” he continued when I did not answer. I recoiled by the sentence and closed my eyes, seeking comfort in the darkness created by my lids. An escape from the reality which suffocated me. My knuckles whitened by my protruding bones as my grip on the bridge beneath me tightened. He wanted an answer. His looming presence pestering me to return the words of affection. Words I knew nothing of, words I feared. My heart still shielded by the iron cage I had built around it. Her safety now threatened by a man who had appeared out of nowhere and existed in everything I touched, smelled and laid my eyes on. He overwhelmed me, made me unstable and I hated that.
I sighed a slow exhale, took a deep breath and repeated the act, did all I could to procrastinate. To avoid the claws that closed in around me, that tugged at my being detaching it from its solid foundation.
“You don’t feel the same?” he asked, his voice carried a tone of desperation, of one whose heart balanced on a string of uncertainty. To think I beheld the outcome in my hands. In one hand I held is heart in the other the scissor which could cut the string with one swift move. “How does it feel” I asked without facing him. Instead I fixed my gaze on the once clear blue water which now had turned orange by the passing hour closing in to sundown.
“The feeling” I continued.
“explain it to me.” I did not know then that I had found him, that I loved him, until I lost him.
“You don’t feel the same” he said, this time it wasn’t a question. When his eyes teared, I did not reach out to him, and when he stood up and walked away, I did not follow him. Not a word escaped my mouth, my entire body remained still I did nothing to object his absence, did nothing to protest the void. That’s how I lost him in love and in life.
Left behind now an empty shell of a human, no substance enough to sustain my longing. The memory of him a ghost, a mere fathom of my imagination. Still I sought it, sought him. He was gone, had left this world unwillingly taken too soon by oncoming traffic, or so I was told. It has been years or was it days? I could no longer tell, the only knowledge that registered was the unfathomable pain caused by his absence.
I approached the place where we had our last conversation and sat down. The spot still warm as if I’d never left the place. The view as before, an ocean with a stretch too vast for my eyes, the horizon broke it off and left an echo of infinite possibilities. The bridge beneath me only an extension of the beach. An extension which would never be enough, for what I sought could not be reached by mere woodwork. My heartbeats a rhythmic pounding of desperation, a desperation I too have come to know. It matched the ocean which again and again offered its touch in forms of waves but only managed to touch upon the surface of its desire. I had used him ill. And now he was gone.
The realization a force of pain which throbbed through my tissues and prickled the very core of my being. I needed to forget him to again escape this reality but more so my mind. Everything in me felt violent and hard. My thoughts swirled like a raging tornado with no solid ground to land on. Each thought catching on to the next creating a narrative which worsened my current situation. I hated my mind and the tricks it played on me, the hope it gave me and the constant re-enaction of where everything went wrong. I had been a coward, and, in the end, I lost him.
This knowledge knocked the wind out of me and caused me to double over. I fell onto the bridge and assumed a fetal position. My body trembled by the cold wind which swept through the air reminding me summer would soon end. I closed my arms around myself and lowered my lids. Behind them darkness painted a different reality, and as I floated into unconsciousness, he again appeared next to me.
The heat bounced from his body and reached mine and this time covered me with warmth. I felt protected by his presence and safe. Most of all I felt loved. He loved me.
“Why don’t you look at me” he asked, and I teared up. I felt scared. I didn’t want to wake up from the dream, didn’t want to accept that we were only an illusion, that I had lost him for real.
“I’m not sure that you are real” my voice quivered. He slowly placed his hand over mine,
“I’m real, I’m here” he said and added pressure. I could feel him, his entire being, I could feel it, he was sitting right next to me.
I woke up to the dreary reality of my situation, heavy clouds hovered above me as constant companions. I felt cold and my limbs were stiff. Darkness surrounded me, the sun had set and brought with it all sense of hope I had carried. As truth settled, I decided, I never wanted to fall asleep again. I condemned dreams, condemned their treacherous nature, the way they lured me in and shattered my spirit.
In them I felt warm, loved and completely finished but along with the sweet came a bitter aftertaste. In truth he wasn’t real, only a figment of my imagination, a place where I wasn’t alone. Reality only a painful reminder of what I had lost. By fear and distance, I had refused him. And to this day I’m overwhelmed with emotions. He’s no longer alive, and I mourn his loss. Things had gotten too close.
I can still feel the pain of his absence, it lingers, and I wonder if it will ever go away. I feel frightened I admit of ever getting close again, of losing all over again.